Job Interview

I have a job interview. I've been so excited about this that there isn't much more I can do today that is useful or functional. (I did manage to clean out some of my files though.) I don't know if this is the real deal (the job I'll get) or just a practice run. (I've been trying to think of all applications and all job interviews as practices since they take so so much work.) But I like how the next couple of days might determine the next chapter in my life. So will I end up in Chula Vista? Or will I end up somewhere else? Is this just a little blip in my life as in "yeah, I interviewed for a job there once" or is it a going to be a place where I get to carve out my new life? Time will tell (very soon!)

Desire

In some cultures people will name their kids horrible names to throw off the gods. So a kid might end up with a name like Not-Pretty-Face or Stinky-Snot-Nosed-One. This is so the gods will not suspect that the kids are actually beautiful or cherished. I might laugh at this (really, could gods be so stupid?) but I understand the spirit of it.

How comfortable am I with my own desires? Why is it that if I really want something that I feel that I must pretend that I don't want it? It is better this way. Don't let the "gods" know that I want X job. Don't let the "gods" know that I would love to date X fellow. If I can just stuff my desires down and hide them deep then maybe just maybe I'll get what I want.

But the funny thing is. I don't serve a god; I serve God. And the longer I live the more I think that God is not scared of my desires. I do think that God has a plan and a will and dreams for my life, but I also think that He engages in a dance with my own desires. This dance is called prayer.

I'm writing this because this morning I woke up and and the first thing I said was, "Lord, now that I know what I want are you going to leave me here to struggle to get this on my own?" I started to laugh at myself. Why would God be with me more when I was clueless than when I knew what I wanted? Why does knowing what I want make me so vulnerable now? Why does it almost seem wrong to have a dream, a passion, an aim?

Many old paintings of Christ in American culture portrayed him as effeminate, white, washed out, and tepid. It's easy to think that mildness is holiness. We think not wanting anything will make us really good people. "No, it's okay, I didn't really want that anyways." But what if we are wrong? What if God has called us to dream? To live, to risk? To venture out and make mistakes? What if He simply loves our desires?

Father, be the God of my desires. Give me the courage to dream. Thank you that you know what I want and that we are on this adventure together.

PS I offer only one caveat. There are some desires that will harm us (whether they are expressly forbidden in the Bible or whether their fulfillment leads us away from God). When it comes to those desires, I think God is gracious and will replace them with other gifts and other passions.

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes the sad things in life are terrifically funny and THAT is God's gift for our sanity.

To Do Lists

I have a to do list which is funny because I don't have much to do (hence, all the blogs I've been writing lately). I've turned in most of the job applications that I can at this point, and now I am in the long painful wait for some response (any response!). I'll be sending off two applications (that I've pretty much finished) tomorrow and then the next application isn't due until July 15. I've been debating if I should do some temp work or not. I wouldn't mind the cash, but I don't want to be tied to a job if I need to go to an interview. For now, I'll just keep waiting.

But coming back to the to do list. It just gives me a small sense of control and structure. I didn't even finish ALL the things I had on my to do list today which in a peculiar way makes me happy. But I did have time to read one of my favorite blogs: freakonomics. And I did have time to watch TED videos for two hours (I feel very educated tonight). And I had time to browse Facebook and I had time to have real devotions (versus the more recent--"good morning Father, please be near me today, Amen" dash-out-the-door.

Well, I'm going to bed. Since I have the luxury of time now, I'm hoping for a good nights sleep.

Link to Wedding Pictures

I just looked through some of the pictures that my friend's wedding photographer took on Sunday.

http://patrickpikefilms.blogspot.com/

If you have time, take a look. He's a great photographer. I'll also add that we liked him because he seemed to enjoy what he was doing.

On Saying Goodbye

I've had very little time to grieve leaving Thailand since I've come back to the states. I've been either a) working hard on job applications b) spending much needed time with family c) helping my friend get married (wahoo on the last!). The whole month of June has flown by. Then on Saturday saying goodbye caught up with me. At (I might add) a really awkward moment. During my friend's rehearsal dinner, I chatted with a woman who had lived in Singapore for fifteen years. She used to work at SAUC and she even taught some of the same classes I taught at MC. In the middle of her telling me about her time at SAUC, my eyes started to water. I had that horrible--oh-no-I'm-going-to-cry feeling. I fought very hard not to cry. (I didn't know this lady and the thought of explaining to her why her story about teaching news writing at SAUC made me cry seemed a bit difficult.) I didn't cry in the end. Whew. But after my friend's wedding (the next day) when I no longer had other things to focus on I had a good hearty cry on my drive to my sister's house.

I'm finally home tonight. I am grateful for two gifts. One is a poster I found that I made in 2001 of my life experiences. (It was for a class.) I find looking at the pictures comforting. Yeah, look, I did have a life before Thailand. :) Then I also found a poem I wrote in 1998. I wrote it when I was leaving another country (Marshall Islands). It seemed especially apropos to my life right now. The poem comes out of a time I sat on a dock at night watching the water. So here it is:

On The Dock

I am cold tonight
Lend me your light

I am alone
Come near me

I have left
All that I love

And I face this water
Of uncertainty

Dark waters
Stretch before me

But for one
Sliver of your moonlight
I would despair

gainful

This morning I was musing about the word gainfully. Why are people "gainfully employed" and not just employed?

So I looked up the word gainfully. It means having gain. Yeah, no kidding. Not very helpful. So then I looked up gainful. Here it is (drum roll please):

producing gain; profitable.

I guess if you are ungainfully employed you're working a job that is not very profitable. Anyone feel that way? Ha!

Well, I was thinking that I am gainfully unemployed. Yes, I'm working on making some life profit. That's a philosophical way of saying, "I'm going broke." Really, there are some advantages to not having a job. Like, today I was thinking of finishing my eight hour trip home from my friend's wedding (I stopped half-way to sleep at my sister's house), but I changed my plans so that I could meet some friends for lunch. Flexibility is nice.

Pre-wedding mishaps

What can you imagine will go wrong for a bride? Her hair might be out of place? The cake might not arrive in time? Well, this weekend. . . my friend added a new one to the list. A bear might just steal the show. Granted the show the bear stole was not the wedding but the rehearsal dinner. Just as soon as my friend had everyone's attention (we were all talking quite loudly) and just as soon as she started explaining what our duties were for the wedding --a bear came galumphing across the edge of the picnic area we were eating at. Now to add to the spice, the bear was carrying a backpack in his mouth. Naughty bear! And yet while I felt some pity for the rock climber who left her pack at the bottom of the cliff--the image of the bear backpack in mouth running for a safe place to investigate his snacks amused me.

Days Going By

The days are sliding by. I've spent most of them inside working on applying for jobs, but I've had good breaks. My family is here. Brother, sis, sis-in-law, parents, and kiddos (Sophia, 6 years old; Anders, 4 years old, and Bella, 2 years old). The kiddos break up the routine of work. They make me laugh. Today I was in charge of keeping them occupied. My sister and my mom were putting some final touches on an Italian dinner (fettuccine, eggplant Parmesan, garlic bread, Greek salad, and green beans), and the kiddos were getting underfoot. I took them outside and we played with bubbles. Bella especially loved chasing the bubbles with her tongue out. I suppose they are better if you can taste them!

Today was my sister's birthday. She actually made the food for herself (oh, I helped fry the eggplants--as my friends know I'm a master at little things!). Bella's two year old happy birthday greeting for my sister was, "happy to you, cake?" Well, I think she has the basics down. Yeah for cake! We also had ice cream. Five different kinds and I still ate the same one I had last time we ate ice cream: Mint chocolate moose tracks. The vanilla with fresh strawberries was awfully tempting though. But no...I must stick with mint chocolate!

So I guess I'm meandering in this blog. I'm listening to the dish washer and my uncle and sis-in-law talk shop about photography and website creation. This is just a calm end of a pleasant day. I've had another quiet day. Not much need to talk. Oh, and when I did finally have the urge to speak tonight I told this story that I realized had no point and didn't know how to wrap it up. I had to laugh about that. There's something somewhat horrible and funny about starting valiantly into a story and realizing that the story is going no where. I usually want to wrap things up as quickly as possible to get over the awkward pause when someone else has to look for a way to repick up the conversation.

Tomorrow I return to Sacramento. Gasp. Before I go I have some clothes to find for a wedding I'll be in this weekend back in Yosemite. The clothes are most likely on the bottom of five heavy boxes (that's where the shoes were and I forgot to look for this item of clothing when I was hunting for those darn shoes!). I pretty much tore up the garage looking for those shoes.

I'm going to bed soon. The mad dash of a day that will come tomorrow should motivate me to make my bed and get in it! But one more thing:

Whenever I fly I always look down at the houses and wonder what is happening inside. Tonight my uncle set his camera on a tripod and we took several family photos. As we were taking the photos...I thought..."this is what is happening in THIS house." This is my story. My little life lived in a small house among a bunch of people saying, "cheeeeeeeeeeese."

Funny Dream

Last night I dreamt I had a gecko friend. This gecko could talk and he told me he liked me because I played tennis.

Funny, I know of no talking geckos (except the ones in the GEICO insurance ads) and I don't play tennis.

A Little Surprise

I'm typing this in the dark on my bed in the cabin my family is renting. My youngest niece is sleeping near me and my oldest niece is using my laptop screen light to read. I'm trying to type quietly. Hmph. Try to type quietly.

I just had a funny thing happen. The kind of funny thing that happens to me. I was walking back from taking out the trash and I ran into Marcus L. playing with his friends outside the camp's meeting house (it is an SDA camp). "Marcus," I said, "Where's your mother?" He looked at me as if it was the most normal thing in the world to see me in California. "She's inside." I eventually found Elizabeth and we talked for awhile. While we were talking, the kids from her church (she's up here on a church retreat and I'm up here on a family reunion), kept running around us saying that they had seen a bear. This is plausible--I saw two bears yesterday. I had to laugh. Who would have thought Elizabeth and I would be in the mountains of California surrounded by little children yelling excitedly about bears? I was so grateful to have someone to talk with about Thailand.

Big Trees!

This afternoon my family went to Mariposa Grove in Yosemite. The trees here are well--big. Okay, they deserve an exclamation point. They are big! Tragically, (see, I say this with a sniff) it was very cold today and I only lasted out in the grove for about 15 minutes before I went back in. (Someone told me that if I walked a little farther up into the grove I would see snow.) We asked how far was a little farther and he said, "Three hours." Hmm...

My niece is sitting next to me watching me blog and she said I need to add that she is with me in this picture. Yup. That's Olivia beside me. When I was younger, we used to like to take pictures with our whole family holding hands around the trees.