Job Interview

I have a job interview. I've been so excited about this that there isn't much more I can do today that is useful or functional. (I did manage to clean out some of my files though.) I don't know if this is the real deal (the job I'll get) or just a practice run. (I've been trying to think of all applications and all job interviews as practices since they take so so much work.) But I like how the next couple of days might determine the next chapter in my life. So will I end up in Chula Vista? Or will I end up somewhere else? Is this just a little blip in my life as in "yeah, I interviewed for a job there once" or is it a going to be a place where I get to carve out my new life? Time will tell (very soon!)

Desire

In some cultures people will name their kids horrible names to throw off the gods. So a kid might end up with a name like Not-Pretty-Face or Stinky-Snot-Nosed-One. This is so the gods will not suspect that the kids are actually beautiful or cherished. I might laugh at this (really, could gods be so stupid?) but I understand the spirit of it.

How comfortable am I with my own desires? Why is it that if I really want something that I feel that I must pretend that I don't want it? It is better this way. Don't let the "gods" know that I want X job. Don't let the "gods" know that I would love to date X fellow. If I can just stuff my desires down and hide them deep then maybe just maybe I'll get what I want.

But the funny thing is. I don't serve a god; I serve God. And the longer I live the more I think that God is not scared of my desires. I do think that God has a plan and a will and dreams for my life, but I also think that He engages in a dance with my own desires. This dance is called prayer.

I'm writing this because this morning I woke up and and the first thing I said was, "Lord, now that I know what I want are you going to leave me here to struggle to get this on my own?" I started to laugh at myself. Why would God be with me more when I was clueless than when I knew what I wanted? Why does knowing what I want make me so vulnerable now? Why does it almost seem wrong to have a dream, a passion, an aim?

Many old paintings of Christ in American culture portrayed him as effeminate, white, washed out, and tepid. It's easy to think that mildness is holiness. We think not wanting anything will make us really good people. "No, it's okay, I didn't really want that anyways." But what if we are wrong? What if God has called us to dream? To live, to risk? To venture out and make mistakes? What if He simply loves our desires?

Father, be the God of my desires. Give me the courage to dream. Thank you that you know what I want and that we are on this adventure together.

PS I offer only one caveat. There are some desires that will harm us (whether they are expressly forbidden in the Bible or whether their fulfillment leads us away from God). When it comes to those desires, I think God is gracious and will replace them with other gifts and other passions.

Sometimes . . .

Sometimes the sad things in life are terrifically funny and THAT is God's gift for our sanity.

To Do Lists

I have a to do list which is funny because I don't have much to do (hence, all the blogs I've been writing lately). I've turned in most of the job applications that I can at this point, and now I am in the long painful wait for some response (any response!). I'll be sending off two applications (that I've pretty much finished) tomorrow and then the next application isn't due until July 15. I've been debating if I should do some temp work or not. I wouldn't mind the cash, but I don't want to be tied to a job if I need to go to an interview. For now, I'll just keep waiting.

But coming back to the to do list. It just gives me a small sense of control and structure. I didn't even finish ALL the things I had on my to do list today which in a peculiar way makes me happy. But I did have time to read one of my favorite blogs: freakonomics. And I did have time to watch TED videos for two hours (I feel very educated tonight). And I had time to browse Facebook and I had time to have real devotions (versus the more recent--"good morning Father, please be near me today, Amen" dash-out-the-door.

Well, I'm going to bed. Since I have the luxury of time now, I'm hoping for a good nights sleep.

Link to Wedding Pictures

I just looked through some of the pictures that my friend's wedding photographer took on Sunday.

http://patrickpikefilms.blogspot.com/

If you have time, take a look. He's a great photographer. I'll also add that we liked him because he seemed to enjoy what he was doing.

On Saying Goodbye

I've had very little time to grieve leaving Thailand since I've come back to the states. I've been either a) working hard on job applications b) spending much needed time with family c) helping my friend get married (wahoo on the last!). The whole month of June has flown by. Then on Saturday saying goodbye caught up with me. At (I might add) a really awkward moment. During my friend's rehearsal dinner, I chatted with a woman who had lived in Singapore for fifteen years. She used to work at SAUC and she even taught some of the same classes I taught at MC. In the middle of her telling me about her time at SAUC, my eyes started to water. I had that horrible--oh-no-I'm-going-to-cry feeling. I fought very hard not to cry. (I didn't know this lady and the thought of explaining to her why her story about teaching news writing at SAUC made me cry seemed a bit difficult.) I didn't cry in the end. Whew. But after my friend's wedding (the next day) when I no longer had other things to focus on I had a good hearty cry on my drive to my sister's house.

I'm finally home tonight. I am grateful for two gifts. One is a poster I found that I made in 2001 of my life experiences. (It was for a class.) I find looking at the pictures comforting. Yeah, look, I did have a life before Thailand. :) Then I also found a poem I wrote in 1998. I wrote it when I was leaving another country (Marshall Islands). It seemed especially apropos to my life right now. The poem comes out of a time I sat on a dock at night watching the water. So here it is:

On The Dock

I am cold tonight
Lend me your light

I am alone
Come near me

I have left
All that I love

And I face this water
Of uncertainty

Dark waters
Stretch before me

But for one
Sliver of your moonlight
I would despair

gainful

This morning I was musing about the word gainfully. Why are people "gainfully employed" and not just employed?

So I looked up the word gainfully. It means having gain. Yeah, no kidding. Not very helpful. So then I looked up gainful. Here it is (drum roll please):

producing gain; profitable.

I guess if you are ungainfully employed you're working a job that is not very profitable. Anyone feel that way? Ha!

Well, I was thinking that I am gainfully unemployed. Yes, I'm working on making some life profit. That's a philosophical way of saying, "I'm going broke." Really, there are some advantages to not having a job. Like, today I was thinking of finishing my eight hour trip home from my friend's wedding (I stopped half-way to sleep at my sister's house), but I changed my plans so that I could meet some friends for lunch. Flexibility is nice.