Sunday, January 23, 2011

No sea, No visas

A friend of mine is most likely (still praying, hoping for a miracle!!) leaving the country because of a problem with her visa. Last night we were discussing different visa options and I said, "Isn't there a 'we love you and want you to stay' visa?

(What if immigration was kind of a "Survival" show set up. You get voted on or off the island? I know my friend would definitely be voted to stay on!)

There's a great text in the Bible that a different friend, Ruth, quoted a part of to me last night: "Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth,for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea" (Revelation 21:1).

I can't wait to be in that new place: where there is no sea, no visas, and no more goodbyes.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Mine!

It's hard to share when you are four. Other kids take your toys when you want to keep them. Your uncles or aunts sleep in your bedroom and you kicked out. You have so little control over so little things,and then (gasp) the best day of your year gets taken by your aunt. You see, my niece had a problem sharing something with me this year. My sister asked her to wish me a happy birthday, but she refused. "No," she said, "It's my birthday!"

It's hard to share. It's hard to share when you are four, when you can't see that some spaces are better shared--that sharing (more often than not) enriches instead of diminishes. That the best things in life: joy, friendship, ministry, money, food (!) are all made sweeter by sharing.

I love sharing a birthday with my niece (she's the best present ever), and I look forward to when she can love it too!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Two Dreams

Sunday night I dreamt I had volunteered to teach in the Marshall Islands. I was walking around the island when I realized that I didn't want to be there and that it had been a mistake to commit myself to a year of teaching in Majuro. In my dream, I realized that I had to either tell my boss that I wanted to quit or to just grin and bear another year there. I woke up and felt a great sense of relief.

Monday night I dreamt that I had volunteered to teach in a remote village in Thailand. The village was so remote that no regular public transportation came through the village and I had to either run to town or catch a ride with my supervisors. As my time progressed in this remote village, I realized that it had been a mistake to volunteer to work there and I desperately wanted to go back to Florida. Again, I woke up relieved.

I don't think that my dreams were prophetic, but they did remind me of this simple thing: sometimes it is a gift to wake up and be exactly where you are.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Time

It's cold in Florida (okay, it's cold in Florida for Floridians, 38 F, 3 C). This morning there was ice on the boardwalk around the lake I exercise at. The beauty of the place and the events of this week made me meditate on time.

There is a certain preciousness to time, but I take time for granted. I feel infinite though I know I am finite. The world it seems could move leisurely by,but then something happens, a phone call comes, something changes,and I'm reminded of the temporality of all things. There is much beauty in life, and it is made sharper by the possibility of loss.



Sunrise this morning

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Puppy Love

English is useless when it comes to expressing love in a nuanced way. I wish there was a specific "love" word for all the varities of love: friendship love, romantic love,or family love. Recently, I have been wishing for a "love" word for animals. You see I've fallen in love with a dog. I have a case of puppy love. I met this dog while volunteering for a community service painting project in November. I was painting the door frame of a the room that Ginger was put in while we worked on the house. I was up on a step ladder painting when Ginger took a bone, held it in her mouth, and sat as close to the door frame as possible and whined. I think she was saying, "I have my toy now, why don't we go out and play?"

It just so happens that Ginger's owner attends the same church as me. I'm sorely tempted to ask him if I can borrow his dog for a day.

PS I wrote this because Ginger's owner posted a comment about her on Facebook. He just told me that Ginger has a profile and I can friend her. Yay!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Each Joy

Each joy has its own unique DNA. Yesterday I was reminded once again of a small joy I have here in Orlando. It comes from interacting with the students from our Circle of Faith (COF)Bible study. We had finished the Bible study and we were singing. As I sang with the group, I thought about how the taste of joy I get from singing with my students in Orlando is not the same as the joy I got from living and working in Thailand. I have two joys, two continents, two different lives and yet one thing to be profoundly grateful for: I serve a God of joy.

Friday, January 7, 2011

The Week

Pass me not, O gentle Savior,
Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling,
Do not pass me by.

Refrain

Savior, Savior,
Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling,
Do not pass me by.

This is the song I listened to on repeat coming home from vespers tonight. It's a good song. A song that drips peace into my heart.

It's the end of a busy week. It was a good hard discouraging and encouraging week. I had a good start with my classes (Yay for engaged students!), but I was sick. Sickness plus a little bit of the devil trying to kick sand in my face (he likes to make me think that I will always have the same struggles) made me a little discouraged. But Thursday night the simplest gift lifted my spirit. I met a friend at a bookstore to tutor him on writing essay exams for the TOEFL. It was such a pleasure to use a skill I have to help a friend that my mood picked up exponentially. Then, while he was doing some writing, I wandered around the bookstore and picked up a book that looked interesting. As I skimmed it, I came across a sentence that seemed to answer a question I've struggled with for awhile. The answer fit into a wider picture of a small emotional journey that I have been on since I came to Florida. And I was simply reminded there of two things: God is leading me and there is much hope for my life.

Hope is a powerful thing. The difference between feeling like "I'm stuck" and "there's much possibility of growth" is the difference between dragging myself through the day and bouncing (yes, I bounce)through the day.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Middle

The rain came down hard but there was only one umbrella to share between my aunts, my mom, my grandparents, and myself. Since I was small (around 5 years old at the time), they stuck me in the middle. I looked up at them and using brilliant kid logic told them that they should join me in the warmest driest place under the umbrella--the middle.

I've started to read a book by Ty Gibson called A God Named Desire. In one of the first chapters he draws a diagram of what the relationships in heaven might look like. Instead of a hiearchy he draws a circle: God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit form a circle with every member of the universe branching out from that circle.

Monday morning I as I prayed I realized that I typically pray to either Jesus or to God so I decided to pray to Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit at once. As I prayed the image from Ty's book came to my mind. I imagined the Trinity in a huddle. I realized that as I addressed all three of them that I was in the middle of their love.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Dare to be a Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego

I grew up singing, "Dare to be a Daniel. Dare to stand alone." I love that song. But recently I was thinking about how sometimes I need a different dare. I need to dare to stand with others. This comes partially out of my own spiritual experience. I consciously gave my life to Christ when I was seven years old and with the exception of a couple prodigal seasons have stayed in a committed to relationship with Him since. This means I've been "different" almost my whole life. As a child I got teased for being a goody two-shoe, as a teen I had to skip out on some parties my friends attended, as a college student I had to look unintelligent because I didn't embrace all the ideas that many of my peers did. Being different my whole life has made me very independent. And while this sounds very spiritual and very much in line with "daring to be a Daniel"*, it also means that I habitually live my walk with God alone.

I don't reach out if I'm struggling spiritually. If I'm overwhelmed, I simply withdraw the way a sick cat might go and hide under a house. My attitude often is "I've done this long enough alone. I can keep doing it alone." And yet the Bible is full of admonition to not "go alone".

Here are just two texts:

"And let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching" (Hebrews 10:24). "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed" (James 5:16).

This year I've made small steps to not "going at God alone." In fact, if there is any moment I should be proud of in 2010 it is a night when I was feeling basically cornered by the devil. I texted a friend, "Please pray for me! I feel like I'm fighting hand to hand combat with the devil." Knowing that my friend was praying for me and hearing from her the next day was a powerful antidote to my struggle.

The funny thing about the line "Dare to be a Daniel/Dare to stand alone" is that he wasn't standing alone. He stood with his friends Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego.


*I should add I've been a very meek and mild Daniel. I "stood" up so quietly for my beliefs that I'm not sure anyone noticed.

**The song "Dare to Be a Daniel" actually does say that when we stand alone we are joining Daniel's band.

What God Might Not Know

What if there is knowledge that God might not have? Recently, I was thinking about how God knows us. The Bible says He can count the hairs on our head. That's pretty amazing knowledge! But what if there are things that God can't know unless we share it with Him? What I mean by this is that God profoundly (and I might add, painfully) respects our choices. Not only does He not demand worship from us, but he does not demand intimacy with us. What if He can know us--know every detail of our life, know exactly how we feel, know what drives us, know what hurts us, know what brings us joy--and still not know us?

The imperfect comparison I can make is how we sometimes talk about God. We say, "yes, I had a head knowledge of God but not a heart knowledge." What if God can have a head knowledge of us but not a heart knowledge?

If God cannot have heart knowledge of our lives unless we open ourselves to Him, then all the passages of scripture about prayer take on new meaning. People often ask, "Why should I pray? God knows anyway?" But what if prayer is the place where God is given permission to start knowing us. What if prayer is the first step in allowing God the intimacy He longs for in our lives?